No, I’m not a lesbian

I am nineteen years old, about to be twenty and have never been in a serious relationship. Why, may you ask. Is it because I look like a troll? Is it because I am not social enough? Is it because everyone thinks I’m a lesbian? I am going to have to go with D all of the above. But mainly C, everyone thinks I’m into the ladies.

For some reason, guys don’t seem to recognize the fucking amazing person that I am so I have been clinically single for almost all of my life. Because I am not currently in a relationship with a person of the male species, people automatically assume that I am a lesbian.  Many a people have accused me of being a lesbian.

It started I believe, my sophomore year in high school. I was in Gay Straight Alliance to show my support to my sister (she’s the lesbian, not me). I made a lot of friends in the group and grew closer to some people I already knew. G.S.A was a weekly meeting of love and support. That carried out into the rest of school too and I would be seen holding hands with some of the people from G.S.A, particularly my two friends Jess and Alanna. Just holding hands as friends, nothing more. But soon the rumor began that Jess and I were dating; we were in fact in not. One day on our way to lunch my friend and I were talking and finally she says, “Hey, so it’s totally okay if you are, but Michelle said that you were a lesbian and dating Jess, is that true?” I told it wasn’t.

The funny thing is I blanked on who Jess was and thought it was some other Jess in my math class. Also, I didn’t even talk to this Michelle girl. We were in some classes together and I think we were class officers together by that point but I didn’t know her like that and she didn’t know me like that. But of course that didn’t stop Michelle from spreading rumors that I was a lesbian. So throughout high school people thought I was a gay. I remained single because people in my high school were assholes, unattractive to me, and stupid, or a douche filled combination of the three. And because everybody thought I was batting for the other team.

The lesbian rumors did not stop at school. After my sister came out and I continued to not date my mother began to grow suspicious. Soon she would grill me about who I thought was cute at school and when I was going to get a boyfriend. When I didn’t answer she would ask me, “Are you sure you don’t like girls?”

Finally I graduated high school and thankfully left Bristol and went to college. But the cloud of lesbian vibes followed me to California. I was recently talking to a friend from my class and she told me that two girls from my section the last two semesters, were gossiping about our classmates at the beginning of first semester and when I came up they said they thought I was a lesbian and that I was constantly staring at them! Stop, just stop, number one don’t flatter yourself, number two, again not a lesbian. But for some reason whenever people see me they just assume that I am a lesbian. It is now joke I have among my friends because of all the people who have thought I was lesbian.

I don’t understand this. To be clear I am not offended that people think I am a lesbian. I don’t care. At least they are not accusing me of being an asshole (they probably think it though). A person’s sexuality has nothing to do with their personality. But what is it about me that gives off lesbian vibes? Is there even such a thing as lesbian vibes? Is it because I am a naturally sarcastic person and sometimes speak in a lower voice? Is it because I wear flannels, because that is more of a comfort thing. Is it because I have friends that are girls and I am very close with some of them?

I like to joke around and am sarcastic a good 50% of the time. Some of my clothes can be considered manly… I guess. I have friends that are girls and am affectionate towards them in a friendly way. My sexuality and who I am a person are completely separate.

So as a favor to me and everyone: don’t spread rumors and speak about things you have no clue what you are talking about. Also, don’t stereotype and make assumptions because you are normally wrong. You can’t know a person more then they know themselves, so while you might swear they are gay, if they honestly say they aren’t, then I think that means they aren’t.

And just to set the record straight once and for all, no, I’m not a lesbian. So ladies if you’re single… I mean men. I totally meant men. Goddammit, hear we go again… I’m straight, mom, I promise!

Okay bye.


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