Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy

Awaiting the 2:34 time in the music,

tense, breathing deep,

hiding in the side curtain, careful not to

reveal myself to the audience until

it’s time.

 

Chattering, voices heard,

hands at the ready, accepting your

admission ticket.

Escorted to your seat,

anxiously awaiting the silence of voices

and the rise of the orchestra,

the language of musicians.

 

Inhale. Exhale.

Tour effacé,

deep reverence, deep breath.

Bourrée, bourrée, bourrée,

passé, plié, échappe, plié,

relevé, développé, sous sous,

soutenu, plié, passé, arabesque,

fouté, bourrée, last deep breath,

relevé, coupe, piqué, plié, échappe,

échappe, plié, passé.

 

There she is, tall in height yet petite in width,

in pink tulle,

Bourrée, bourrée …

Watching as she glides across the stage

with seemingly no effort,

envious and enchanted.

Ecstatic, viewing magic

people call dance. Yet

not completely happy.

 

Prepare, piqué turn, piqué,

piqué, piqué, piqué,

double piqué turn, piqué,

piqué, piqué, piqué.

 

The wish to be in the spotlight

rather than watching it.

If only…

If only…

The pounds came off; the bust wasn’t size C, the ankle cooperated,

the money and support for five classes a week instead of three,

the ears were musically inclined.

If only I could watch a ballet and

be completely happy.

 

Tombé pas de bourrée, glissade,

tombé pas de bourrée glissade,

Grand jeté!

And breathe.

This poem is one of the many exercises I did to come to terms with the fact that I did not have the cookie cutter ballerina body. My body dysmorphia and obsessive eating habits from high school through college were mental illnesses that caused depression and a lack of self confidence. I still watch a ballet in ah and a pang of ‘what if.’ I still have my days where I want to skip a meal or will refuse myself a certain food.

Between, Landmark curriculum for living, my friends, and a team of doctor’s and nutritionists, I found me again. I discovered myself in a whole new way that was completely open to possibility and get this, eating! There will always be days, but they come less often and I’m more prepared to deal with them powerfully.

I have committed to dress myself comfortably in what I feel good in. I have committed to satisfying my cravings. I am committed to me and this one beautiful body that houses my heart, my ideas, and my dancer muscles.

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